Daddy's Perfect Girl
- Julienne Russell
- Nov 1, 2016
- 3 min read
Daddy's perfect girl in a 24/7 world... that was easy, that was a cake walk, that... was heaven.
He had high expectations and im an over achiever. I want Him to be happy, I want Him to think im pretty, and that im worth something.
It's not His fault.
There were rules, and regulations, and perfect non-verbal communication. My collar was worn on special occasions but my anklet remained morning, noon, and night. That's where my true collar lie. He ordered my meals, told me what He wished for me to cook, how, where, when... there was a schedule, there was structure.
Since we've moved to a new place, life is very "vanilla" and, it's hard.
We went from an 8 year 24/7 lifestyle to a sudden: once in a while, if we can fit in time to enter subspace, shit-that would leave no time for aftercare-maybe tomorrow.
We had it all worked out, even with the baby we had worked out how to be who we are and raise her to be Daddy's future world leader. What we forgot to figure in was leaving our home to be near family. Family is judgmental enough, nevermind that our current residence is in a place where the BDSM community is very clearly non existent. The closest club is more than a 4 hour drive and while Id love to make the trip, the truth is 8+ hours in a car isnt worth a 2 hour party, especially since I havent been away from Our baby that long before. Nerves.
We had it all worked out alright, but like the little girl i am i said please even though its not what i really really wanted. All i really want is to go home, to go back to Us, and how things were. I dont want to be in this world, I want to go back to our natural world; our simple life where we worked with nature and watched the land flourish. I want our gardens, and our orchard, and our itty bitty house, and our dogs, and our birds.
Without Our simple life everything is rushed, the structure is chaos, there is no real schedule, and worst of all there are always people telling Us how wrong We are because We havent had children before. My arguement? im a good mom, i did the research, for example: [Education in this country is a joke, even in Our new home more than a dozen local schools have closed in the last year. Charter schools have popped up but are getting a lot of flack for not meeting traditional education standards and are quickly closing doors as well, even though they have a better system and offer quality classes.]
All that aside... being a Wonder Woman mom has me falling behind on me. im exhausted all the time, my hair is not silky by any means, He hasnt seen it dressed since we moved here, im no longer comfortable in my pretty dresses and skirts and opt most days to wear jeans with a more-than-likely dirty t-shirt.
How can He still want to be with me? im not His perfect girl anymore!
im a mess, and not the hot kind. im depressed (or have i been in sub-drop this whole year?) and it's getting worse. there are bad thoughts and i dont want to admit them because they scare me. I can be an awesome mom, and His perfect girl if i only had the chance. In Our place, in Our world, i can be everything for Him and for baby. With family in the mix i can barely function as me.
I need chocolate.
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