Submissive to Submissive Etiquette

Julienne Russell
May 1, 2013
3 min read

From one sub to another. This makes me sick.

"Fur lined cuffs? HA! Amateur!"

Im naturally nosy so I read further into this conversation between two female submissives via social media. After a few minutes it became clear to me that while many of us know that BDSM has many forms, and many interpretations, many still see it as merely S and M.

BDSM, in its whole is not a contest to see who can handle the most pain or who forms with the perfect colored bruises. Belittling those who use specific tools in their scene is... well, it forces people to see how truly close minded a person can be. Comments such as these can be extremely harmful to a submissive. They could cause her to feel the need to "man up" and avoid using safe words during play, they can cause her to re-think her happy and healthy D/s relationship.

Seeing comments like this where one sub depreciates another makes me want to throw my head back and sing (in my best Bonnie Tyler impression) Where have all the good Doms gone and where are all the Gods?

Being submissive to a Dom (in a regular, healthy, and meaningful relationship) means that we are taught proper etiquette to deal with just about any situation. We are trained to act, to speak, to represent our Dom in a bright, fascinating light be he right by our side or miles away.

A submissives online presence should be just as important to her as her physical presence. We do not go grocery shopping and make nasty comments to other customers when they make purchases we dont agree with so why would we even consider doing that very same thing to our own small community? These are the people we can be ourselves with, the people we dont have to hide from, the people who support us.

Showing respect to others is another way to express your submission and shows your Dom that you are ready for any new steps he may have been planning to take with you. Having the ability to actively "bite your tongue" and knowing when to do so are two very different things. Learning the difference will help both submissive and Dominant evolve into something more solid.

Respect isnt just for Him. Its for everyone.

Final Thought:

When it comes to D/s relationships: It is entirely possible to be submissive without the kinks.

I knew a couple growing up; friends of the family we'll call them. I may not have understood as a small child but as an adult Ive finally been allowed to sit at the grown up table and join in the conversations. :) These friends are in a married D/s relationship. In company they are much the same as they are in their own home, with the exception of intimacy.

He is gentle and loving and ever respectful of the woman he's spent twenty+ years with, and she the same. At first it simply looks like a man and woman who love each other but after a very in depth conversation with the loving couple I can easily see the dominance and submission. Because thats all it is. He dominates her and she submits to him. There is nothing sexual involved with their exchange and thats the beauty of D/s. Its always more than what it looks like.

Whether it be pain and bruises or tickles and kisses, each of us is unique and we should celebrate a commonality with those who understand our needs, not ridicule and poke holes in each others lifestyles. Any Dom/me worth their weight in gold can produce the intended result with nothing more than a look, a breath, a word, a touch. Toys are simply tools to help do a job.

Bondage and Discipline. Dominance and Submission. Sadism and Masochism.